Beginning to realize that I am the reincarnation of Pavolv's dog

So.

My back is fucked.

2 herniated discs & also some arthritis thrown in for good measure.

My Doctor asked if I played any sports to create such problems.

I gestured to my body & said,

"Obviously not."

Doc told me it was bizarre for a 22 year old to be having such heinous back problems.

She told me I am too fat.

She told me I have to quit smoking.

If I don't I won't get to a plateau but keep going downhill.

I won't get better, just have to maintain my shitty back.

Fuck.

The bitch just took away 2 of my great loves.

I was waiting for her to say

"Stay off the internet & no TV, just to be sure."

She gave me Percoset.

100 of those white, fat, beautiful little babies.

I feel it kicking in while I mourn fried food and nicotine.

My itchy nose is their swan song.

This weeks sleep total: 20 hours

I hurt my back somehow.

My Doctor thinks it's a pinched nerve. I'm getting an MRI tomorrow & am nervous about it.

Been laying around for a week now because I'm not upwardly mobile unless I hunch over. That isn't upward enough for a lot of people & they stare.

Had to get groceries the other day so I used a motor cart.

I am not obese or old enough for people to accept me cruising around in it & I feel like every employee that passes me is going to tell me to leave the store because I'm some punk ass kid abusing the privileg

e of being inside a Giant Eagle.

If I were stopped I was told to say,

"You don't know me."

Then hobble out.

I took an anti inflammatory & a sleeping pill... neit

her have worked.

Every prescription I receive doesn't work at the "suggested dose" so I "abuse" them. Still pretty bummed I'm already out of Vicodin.

While waiting for this sleeping pill to kick in I read the first chapter of

Person by Sam Pink.

Sarah Spinelli brought it to me as a 'Get Well' thing.

I am usually pretty stand offish about reading things by people I've met because if I hate it I'll have to be a convincing liar if they ever ask what I thought. Pleasantly surprised, though. I laughed a lot. He & I share the same thought process. It made me feel less stupid.

Don't know why I felt the need to post on here. Haven't updated since March... just bored & on pills sitting on a heating pad in my empty house & my cat is ignoring me.

Sam Hedrick & Joanna Donchatz (I like using peoples full names, seems more dignified) are coming over at around 2pm for lunch.

I haven't eaten yet & am really ready for consumption.

Excerpts From A Letter I Never Sent

I am going through a shift, or I want to be, anyways.
Something I've romanticized internally will reveal itself to be what it is and always was. Then I struggle to accept the truth and beat myself up for not realizing it earlier on.
I don't know how to appropriate my feelings. Constantly questioning whether it is important. Whether what I'm pining for is what I should really be pining for or if I am just an idiot.
I see things through these rose tinted glasses and only hear what I want to hear. What I want to hear is that people are inherently good but that notion, as always, subsides. People can't see past their own noses, it isn't their fault, but I desperately want to believe that I can. It's so disconcerting that I find so little worth liking in people. I try to understand or give them the benefit of the doubt but everyone has their own agenda, maybe I'm just angry that I have no say in it. I don't want to think this way about people, as though I'm not included in this generalization. I have this air about me that fuels unhealthy and destructive relationships.
Lo, I am a coward. Somewhere along the line my backbone slowly started to give way and I am a passive little shit with nothing to show for myself.
I can barely muster the courage to act on my own free will without obsessing over stepping on someone's toes.


There is this overwhelming resentment I feel every day that I don't know how to get rid of. People say that creating will be therapeutic and help relieve stress and I keep waiting for this lightness where pressure ruled. Where I won't feel habitually defeated. I should probably just find a shrink and start abusing prescription drugs, then maybe I will stop abusing recreational ones.. I am so unshakably put off by other people, myself at the front of that line.

I've been entertaining the idea of giving myself an allotment of words per day. Doing my best with what few things I may say. Everyone talks too much about meaningless shit. Silence is golden, as I've heard. I waste so much time in my head deliberating & planning out what I should or should not say. My friend Sam told me that's a sign of Schizophrenia, which made me a little nervous. Though putting a limit on my words would probably not quell that habit, only exacerbate it.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to use this as my soap box.

Love,
Samantha

Same as it ever was

I catch myself,
as some often do,
having the predilection for routine.
Thinking that nothing will change
&
being completely horrified when it does.

(Nostalgia is a fickle feeling... you never know when it could be happening)

Critical Acclaim

I don't understand why people ask me for advice when all I can tell them is what they already know.

Sorry.

I'll still hold you when you cry, though.

"My aura is yellow like a coward"

I could smell icing when I was lying in bed

No one was baking

Could be a tumor.

I don't know.

I don't think so.

Probably just a migraine.

Second time this month I drank out of a cup that still had curdled milk in it

I'm no good at sitting down & trying to write things out.

So I put batteries in my tape recorder & when I drive I'll record myself, my thoughts & ideas.

Or any other time that I'm alone, which is a lot.

When I speak out I find I'm less ostentatious & even surprise myself.

I've been having a lot of preoccupations.

Which is bad.

So I needed something to bide my time.

Gotta stop being a thumb twiddler.

Bitter

I had a feeling...

The woodwork could only hold you so long,

before you'd come out.

Stay there;

Where it is warm & cozy.

If I wanted to find you

I would have come looking!

Things that Have Never Happened to Me

If we loved each other

I would lie next to you & ask what happened before I was in your life.

You would smile & say something flattering like,

"I don't remember anything before you."

The next day I would remember this anecdote & report it to all my friends.
They would respond with positive noises & tell me how lucky we are to have each other.

But before that,

You would tell me the story of your life because you trusted me.

Because we shared a strong sense of camaraderie neither one ever knew existed before because it wasn't ever attained in the years prior.

You would spare no detail & confess every humiliating moment you endured that still clings to your psyche like cobwebs.

I would hang on every word.

Reacting appropriately to every important plot point; saying things like,

"Did you really say that?"

"Thats fucked up."

"I know just what you mean!"

Congratulating you on making it this far due to all of your awful circumstances.

I would marvel at the plethora of new information while you cued my story in return.

You would listen intently, returning my enthusiasm & only laughing when you were supposed to.

The conversation would end with laughter through tears.

I'd think to myself how much money I'd saved on the years of therapy this moment quelled.

While wiping our faces with the backs of our hands we'd be beaming; our eyes would meet & we would see the gravity of this rare event.
We'd embrace one another.

It'd feel so powerful to know every meaty-dirty-beautiful-tragic truth about a person.

As we lie together, still,

Naked.
Both figuratively & literally,

the warm feeling of intimacy lulls us into a sturdy, dreamless sleep.

But we aren't in love
& we wake up alone.

Keep it simple, stupid

We sit on opposing sides,

but intertwined,

like the Piscean fish.

You cover your face with your manicured hands

Crying softly

Only letting me hear

small reverbs of your contained confusion

I pet you gently with a furrowed brow

Holding my lips taught over my teeth

Desperately trying not to ask

"What is it that you're so afraid of?"

It doesn't work that way, you can't take it back.

In moments of meditation

that I find throughout the day

I wonder if it was worth it

when Pandora opened the box

You should be ashamed

A lifetime,

vomited up,

partially digested & unlike it was going in.

Forgetting why most of it accumulated,

a vapid puddle at my feet.

How did I let it go this far, get this bad.

It needed purging, like unbaptized babies.

My soul is toting around a corpse, now, more than ever.

Every moment before now is wasted.

Which is fine when you eat your feelings.

(Note: This isn't very cohesive, but I'm in a fuckall mood.)

This is all very inappropriate

My nose is pressed up against a fish bowl
Fingers tapping on the glass

Trying to provoke it

Poking my pinky finger into the bubbling water, waiting for a nibble

Amused when the creature inadvertently stirs

Pulling away to admire my handiwork

Only to be interrupted by a sober
'Don't you have something better to do?'

(No, not really)

Duality

"I saw doves and I thought they were rocks, but they were asleep.

My breath made them stir, and the rocks

took flight, the earth

exploding... and my only thought was that

I wanted you to see them, too."

— Douglas Coupland (Microserfs)

FOUND

[Written, around this time, a year ago.]

To dream.

Of spring.

For that long, heavy rain to wash away ill will & actions that spoke too loud.

Reviving the soil to bud with good intentions.

Insouciance lay dormant under our feet.

Anticipating hibernations end.

Homecomings that wield a sweet breeze of relief.

The cure to cabin fever I've been pining for.

Winters snuffed out.
Our hearts so eager to thaw.
I will shed my coat and scarf & bask in the sun.

The Robins assure me its time.

[Oh how things have changed, but I haven't]

Insidious Intent

You & I

are just trees in a forest

Waiting for a wild fire to set us free

but times are changing

So cross your fingers for kids with gasoline

Weather Patterns

Today

I'm feeling like snow

But I am not the snow, I refuse to be

So cold, harsh & unforgiving

Biting & uncontrollable

Why can't I just feel like a breeze in spring?

Cool & gentle

playing wind chimes & scattering leaves all day

brushing the hair off of weary foreheads

No, I suppose I have to be realistic

Instead I am a hot summer morning

irritable at the start & completely impossible to bear

on the verge of rain but never quite making it there.

Better left unsaid

Today it occured to me that the belly button is the bodies plug
I looked down upon mine & put a corkscrew through it

Opening my body & letting it breathe

I go on to show you, trying to be proud

Ruining the moment with some pithy dialogue

Feigning social conciousness
Staring at you, doe eyed

Baring out my guts

Tormenting myself on whether or not you know I'm trying to impress you

Once in a blue moon

I'm trying to keep the lemon behind my teeth

&

let more honey through

Hoping you'll take it bittersweet

with your tea tomorrow
(you're full of surprises)

Something I learned today

In the event of a car accident

it is better to be hit head on.

Because if you are struck on the side

(The way your heart is strung up inside you)

makes it dangerous for it to be jarred horizontally.

A heart is really just dangling there by veins & arteries

With enough force it can pop off, like ripe fruit from its branches

Then its curtains.

Irreparable Damage

Those narrow beds are being neglected
We are desperately seeking rest
Fever dreams are leaving me with dark circles
While you are waking in pain
I'm posted up to where I'm accustom
&
So have you
We doze off to the sounds of the television
Swallowed by the pillowy couches arch
The company of your grinding teeth
is so very comforting
So I hit snooze

Emotional connections

I found this at Learning To Love You More By Miranda July & Harrell Fletcher I think I'm going to do them all. I came a little late because there won't be any new assignments after this one, but that's ok. (I just really wanted to share hers because it might as well have been mine) Assignment #70 Say goodbye. Kara New York, New York USA Goodbye looking in the mirror and believing that my face is subtly asymmetrical and therefore unlovable. Goodbye yelling at my mom when she calls me and I happen to be having a bad day. Goodbye not thinking I'm good enough to write, sing, or make a movie. ... Goodbye spending time with people who make me feel like I'm dead. Goodbye getting nervous about and obsessing over everyday interactions (like paying for a cup of coffee or standing next to someone in the elevator). Goodbye walking past a restaurant or coffee shop and thinking that I'm not cool enough to go inside. Goodbye believing that I'm never going to love anyone again (or that nobody is going to love me). Goodbye who I thought was my soul mate but didn't write me back. Goodbye my first one-night-stand who didn't write me back. Goodbye thinking I'm a failure for not frequently having sexual intercourse with many good-looking men who adore me. ... Goodbye resenting my mom because the house was always messy when my friends came over. Goodbye not feeling brave enough to talk to someone sitting next to me who looks nice. Goodbye thinking that I am a less cool version of myself (or that there is an ideal me who is cool but I just can't seem to become her). Goodbye acting like I don't like my last name when I really do. Goodbye playing it cool. Goodbye feeling like I should always be doing something other than what I'm doing right now. Goodbye believing that because it's April and I was dating someone last April there is something wrong with me because I'm not with someone now. Goodbye believing that the way you (and you) treated me was okay. ... Goodbye getting scared because I think I see you. ... Goodbye fantasizing about telling you in a sneaky or creepy way that I still love you (because I don't). ... (I inserted the ellipses where it didn't apply to my life.)

Through & across

4 college age girls sit semi circle around a television.
All halfheartedly watching a film about a man who claimed his fame in television before any of them were even born.

Midway through the film there is a scene depicting the relationship between said famous t.v. star's parents. The father, sitting in an uncomfortable wooden chair listening to a radio in a sepia hued 1940s backdrop, while the mother passes behind him & mutters

"We need a new ice box."

He turns his head slightly as she walks out of frame. End scene.
Everyone takes in this part of the movie & one of them announces

"That was depressing."

The girls nod & chuckle in agreement.
Inspired by the remark one asks

"Do you know anyone who has a happy marriage?"

They sit quietly for a moment trying to run through a list of every married couple they'd ever met. Assessing whether or not they were happy.
None of them could reply with anything sturdy aside from a collective

"No."

"Getting married terrifies me!" One exclaims.

They all shift their eyes & silently agree, accepting marriage as an inevitability because being alone would be far worse.

Especially for a woman.
They all continue watching the screen.
Hoping to God they don't wind up like their parents.

When I am alone

Trudging through the crunchy, grimy snow covering the sidewalk
All I want is to measure my gate after so many steps
Assess how crooked I keep my feet
Too bad, the snow is too frozen.
Now I just look forward to taking off this coat
&
petting my cat

Word of the Day

I really like the word besmirch or besmirched.

1. To stain; sully: a reputation that was besmirched by slander.

2. To make dirty; soil.

I will no longer besmirch those who have wronged me, for i should be following the path of the righteous, not the petty.

Doesn't that sound nice?
mmm, I want hot cocoa.

Bad hair day

I push the snooze button at least 5 times a morning
Just beckoning for extra time to rest
To sleep & dream & prolong subconscious thought
I am a coward
Always chasing a chance to avoid, well, everything
because
I wasn't taught how to manage feelings, money or relationships
sobriety scares me.
(I always want something to blame)

Murmur

Talking about contentment
tends to make me worried
Whether or not the future is holding it for me.
Or if I reminisce correctly.
But like I've said before...
I don't think it exists.
No matter what I will pine for more, more, MORE!
Its the American dream I think.

Phillistine

I don't want to be too quick-
too bold.
Keeping actions dormant
waiting...
for the perfect moment to speak softly
with verve.

Though I do admire the brave
&
the fortune that favors them
I can't muster the courage, regardless
Yet I still shame cowards.

It has something to do with everyone's predilection to masks.

The cynic is safe

My mother tells me that optimism will get me killed or raped or at least hospitalized
I need to stay sharp, cautious & keep my eyes peeled
Never trust anyone.
Anyone I don't know.
But she doesn't read statistics
If she did she would know that, 9 times outta 10, people who are out to harm you already know you.
Look it up.
Or just look around.






(Who still listens to their mothers, anyway?)

Every once in a while...

I feel you're growing arrogant.
Then I can't help but wonder if you just hid it well before,
But if it weren't for you who would remind me of my inadequacies?
Lord knows someone has to.







I Hope:
All that tape keeps you together
Pasting up your thoughts makes them clear
You do keep busy
That you're getting sleep
That I help you in some way or somehow
You text me again, soon.

Ampersands are my favorite

I don't really even recall
crying & yelling & biting
I must have been a handful
It probably made you feel nostalgic for the time when that's all I ever was
A mess of obnoxious highs & inappropriate lows
(We are just gluttons for punishment)

"EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, THE SAME ARRANGEMENT: I GO OUT AND FIGHT THE FIGHT. STILL I ALWAYS FEEL THE STRANGEST STRANGEMENT. NOTHING HERE IS REAL, NOTHING HERE IS RIGHT."

-Buffy Summers

TRUTH

Its all about moderation

This is a list:

• I didn't see one zombie Michael Jackson this Halloween.
  Thus, it was a bust.
  
  
• Chicago is this weekend, I am excited for my first windy city visit.
  
  
• Mama packed me a lunch for work today.
  I miss her thoughtful gestures, I miss em' a lot.
  (She did my laundry, too)
  
  
• I need new contacts/glasses before my eyes suffocate & I go blind.
  
  
• Oh & fingers crossed I get a second job at Family Video, Stow branch.
  crossing-crossing-crossing
  
  This is no longer a list,
  

Persistence

Maybe if I keep repeating it I will believe it.

"I'll tell you everything, and you tell me everything,

&

maybe we can get through all the piss and shit and lies that kill other people. "

Whats your excuse?

I keep getting that stone in my gut feeling

The one you get when you know a person has stopped listening while you're talking.

Suppose I just need to find better things to say.

I wanna be more like this guy.

Deny, deny, deny

Paranoia,

As the sight of a spider triggers the feeling of it crawling all over you,

It causes you to experience things nonexistent.

Makes me anxious nonetheless.

The end justifies the means.

She knows how to use big words
&

Her hair curls like smoke

its quite endearing

thus her inbox is full of requests

too bad they are none she wants to oblidge

but I do.

Life lessons

Little girls, this seems to say,

Never stop upon your way,

Never trust a stranger-friend;
No one knows how it will end.

As you're pretty so be wise;
Wolves may lurk in every guise.

Handsome they may be, and kind,

Gay, and charming - never mind!

Now, as then, ‘tis simple truth
-Sweetest tongue has sharpest tooth!

No sleep till Brooklyn

There will always be someone to compete with.

Rarely do they consciously participate,

Though they always seem to come out the victor.

Concocting all these expectations,
The results deemed sub par.
Clinging to this glimmer of hope:
"Maybe I'm wrong, maybe, maybe, maybe..."

I can't confront anything.

I want it to fall into place.

Judging by past experience, it doesn't work either way

In the land of cowards the fool is king.

Basement Doors

With a song in my head
&

the wind in my ears

My feet stay still and parallel

I wish there were feelings

That surpassed soaring downhill

on the cusp of autumn,

All those beautiful boys

I would like,
for once,

to write something that wasn't swollen with clandestine hopes

or melodramatic romantic woes

&

my black and blue pride.

I don't get why I am not comfortable being on my own.

After all this time,
Hopeless romantic doesn't even cover it.

I really am beating a dead horse.

Heart of Chambers

The twists and turns of events

Surprise me every time

One moment can change everything

Such simple actions

With grand reactions

I hope my bar isn't set too high.
Disappointment has yet to rear its ugly head.
But still, there is time.
I just want to be wrong.
For once.

Half Ghost

You're impossible

I've struck the vein,

in the root of my loneliness.

Its your quick smile and vague eyes.
Its too bad, now I only spit blood.

So many cravings lately.
I could always succumb to my relentless sweet tooth
but that only leads to cavities.
My mouth is chalk full of them.
I don't have the heart nor the money to fill them with metal,
Rather feel the familiar sting every time I taste something sugar coated,

I Got The Beat, Unstoppable

Last night was my first big bike ride.
My sore butt isn't my only badge of courage, either.

It was a struggle, foooooor sure, but I made it.
I'm pretty proud of myself for going the distance. For a minute there afterwards I felt terrible because I made everyone wait around and put a damper on the fun, but Sarah (as well as everyone else) reassured me that everybody has their first bike ride disasters.

Plus, the destination was worth the work.
Frog Hill was fantastic.
Next time I will have had a bike and be prepared/hydrated/nourished for it.


Much love to the Bike Team for not leaving this chubby girl behind.
It really was pretty great.
Text-Off
Spinelli Wine
Smoking
Shitty ass hills
Bike swaps
Scenic trails
Watching the train
Smoking
Scary pass out
Easier ride back
Luna's
Super Smash 64
Feeling uber accomplished




Now its time to recruit for The PeddlePhiles... so far 6 members strong.

You in?