Emotional connections

I found this at Learning To Love You More By Miranda July & Harrell Fletcher I think I'm going to do them all. I came a little late because there won't be any new assignments after this one, but that's ok. (I just really wanted to share hers because it might as well have been mine) Assignment #70 Say goodbye. Kara New York, New York USA Goodbye looking in the mirror and believing that my face is subtly asymmetrical and therefore unlovable. Goodbye yelling at my mom when she calls me and I happen to be having a bad day. Goodbye not thinking I'm good enough to write, sing, or make a movie. ... Goodbye spending time with people who make me feel like I'm dead. Goodbye getting nervous about and obsessing over everyday interactions (like paying for a cup of coffee or standing next to someone in the elevator). Goodbye walking past a restaurant or coffee shop and thinking that I'm not cool enough to go inside. Goodbye believing that I'm never going to love anyone again (or that nobody is going to love me). Goodbye who I thought was my soul mate but didn't write me back. Goodbye my first one-night-stand who didn't write me back. Goodbye thinking I'm a failure for not frequently having sexual intercourse with many good-looking men who adore me. ... Goodbye resenting my mom because the house was always messy when my friends came over. Goodbye not feeling brave enough to talk to someone sitting next to me who looks nice. Goodbye thinking that I am a less cool version of myself (or that there is an ideal me who is cool but I just can't seem to become her). Goodbye acting like I don't like my last name when I really do. Goodbye playing it cool. Goodbye feeling like I should always be doing something other than what I'm doing right now. Goodbye believing that because it's April and I was dating someone last April there is something wrong with me because I'm not with someone now. Goodbye believing that the way you (and you) treated me was okay. ... Goodbye getting scared because I think I see you. ... Goodbye fantasizing about telling you in a sneaky or creepy way that I still love you (because I don't). ... (I inserted the ellipses where it didn't apply to my life.)

Through & across

4 college age girls sit semi circle around a television.
All halfheartedly watching a film about a man who claimed his fame in television before any of them were even born.

Midway through the film there is a scene depicting the relationship between said famous t.v. star's parents. The father, sitting in an uncomfortable wooden chair listening to a radio in a sepia hued 1940s backdrop, while the mother passes behind him & mutters

"We need a new ice box."

He turns his head slightly as she walks out of frame. End scene.
Everyone takes in this part of the movie & one of them announces

"That was depressing."

The girls nod & chuckle in agreement.
Inspired by the remark one asks

"Do you know anyone who has a happy marriage?"

They sit quietly for a moment trying to run through a list of every married couple they'd ever met. Assessing whether or not they were happy.
None of them could reply with anything sturdy aside from a collective

"No."

"Getting married terrifies me!" One exclaims.

They all shift their eyes & silently agree, accepting marriage as an inevitability because being alone would be far worse.

Especially for a woman.
They all continue watching the screen.
Hoping to God they don't wind up like their parents.

When I am alone

Trudging through the crunchy, grimy snow covering the sidewalk
All I want is to measure my gate after so many steps
Assess how crooked I keep my feet
Too bad, the snow is too frozen.
Now I just look forward to taking off this coat
&
petting my cat

Word of the Day

I really like the word besmirch or besmirched.

1. To stain; sully: a reputation that was besmirched by slander.

2. To make dirty; soil.

I will no longer besmirch those who have wronged me, for i should be following the path of the righteous, not the petty.

Doesn't that sound nice?
mmm, I want hot cocoa.

Bad hair day

I push the snooze button at least 5 times a morning
Just beckoning for extra time to rest
To sleep & dream & prolong subconscious thought
I am a coward
Always chasing a chance to avoid, well, everything
because
I wasn't taught how to manage feelings, money or relationships
sobriety scares me.
(I always want something to blame)

Murmur

Talking about contentment
tends to make me worried
Whether or not the future is holding it for me.
Or if I reminisce correctly.
But like I've said before...
I don't think it exists.
No matter what I will pine for more, more, MORE!
Its the American dream I think.