Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
I am going through a shift, or I want to be, anyways.
Something I've romanticized internally will reveal itself to be what it is and always was. Then I struggle to accept the truth and beat myself up for not realizing it earlier on.
I don't know how to appropriate my feelings. Constantly questioning whether it is important. Whether what I'm pining for is what I should really be pining for or if I am just an idiot.
I see things through these rose tinted glasses and only hear what I want to hear. What I want to hear is that people are inherently good but that notion, as always, subsides. People can't see past their own noses, it isn't their fault, but I desperately want to believe that I can. It's so disconcerting that I find so little worth liking in people. I try to understand or give them the benefit of the doubt but everyone has their own agenda, maybe I'm just angry that I have no say in it. I don't want to think this way about people, as though I'm not included in this generalization. I have this air about me that fuels unhealthy and destructive relationships.
Lo, I am a coward. Somewhere along the line my backbone slowly started to give way and I am a passive little shit with nothing to show for myself.
I can barely muster the courage to act on my own free will without obsessing over stepping on someone's toes.
There is this overwhelming resentment I feel every day that I don't know how to get rid of. People say that creating will be therapeutic and help relieve stress and I keep waiting for this lightness where pressure ruled. Where I won't feel habitually defeated. I should probably just find a shrink and start abusing prescription drugs, then maybe I will stop abusing recreational ones.. I am so unshakably put off by other people, myself at the front of that line.
I've been entertaining the idea of giving myself an allotment of words per day. Doing my best with what few things I may say. Everyone talks too much about meaningless shit. Silence is golden, as I've heard. I waste so much time in my head deliberating & planning out what I should or should not say. My friend Sam told me that's a sign of Schizophrenia, which made me a little nervous. Though putting a limit on my words would probably not quell that habit, only exacerbate it.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to use this as my soap box.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
They would respond with positive noises & tell me how lucky we are to have each other.
"Did you really say that?"
We'd embrace one another.
Both figuratively & literally,
& we wake up alone.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Fingers tapping on the glass
'Don't you have something better to do?'
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
Our hearts so eager to thaw.
I will shed my coat and scarf & bask in the sun.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
I looked down upon mine & put a corkscrew through it
Staring at you, doe eyed
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
We are desperately seeking rest
Fever dreams are leaving me with dark circles
While you are waking in pain
I'm posted up to where I'm accustom
So have you
We doze off to the sounds of the television
Swallowed by the pillowy couches arch
The company of your grinding teeth
is so very comforting
So I hit snooze
Thursday, January 28, 2010
|I found this at Learning To Love You More |
By Miranda July & Harrell Fletcher
I think I'm going to do them all.
I came a little late because there won't be any new assignments after this one, but that's ok.
(I just really wanted to share hers because it might as well have been mine)
New York, New York USA
Goodbye looking in the mirror and believing that my face is subtly asymmetrical and therefore unlovable.
Goodbye yelling at my mom when she calls me and I happen to be having a bad day.
Goodbye not thinking I'm good enough to write, sing, or make a movie.
Goodbye spending time with people who make me feel like I'm dead.
Goodbye getting nervous about and obsessing over everyday interactions (like paying for a cup of coffee or standing next to someone in the elevator).
Goodbye walking past a restaurant or coffee shop and thinking that I'm not cool enough to go inside.
Goodbye believing that I'm never going to love anyone again (or that nobody is going to love me).
Goodbye who I thought was my soul mate but didn't write me back.
Goodbye my first one-night-stand who didn't write me back.
Goodbye thinking I'm a failure for not frequently having sexual intercourse with many good-looking men who adore me.
Goodbye resenting my mom because the house was always messy when my friends came over.
Goodbye not feeling brave enough to talk to someone sitting next to me who looks nice.
Goodbye thinking that I am a less cool version of myself (or that there is an ideal me who is cool but I just can't seem to become her).
Goodbye acting like I don't like my last name when I really do.
Goodbye playing it cool.
Goodbye feeling like I should always be doing something other than what I'm doing right now.
Goodbye believing that because it's April and I was dating someone last April there is something wrong with me because I'm not with someone now.
Goodbye believing that the way you (and you) treated me was okay.
Goodbye getting scared because I think I see you.
Goodbye fantasizing about telling you in a sneaky or creepy way that I still love you (because I don't).
(I inserted the ellipses where it didn't apply to my life.)
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
All halfheartedly watching a film about a man who claimed his fame in television before any of them were even born.
Midway through the film there is a scene depicting the relationship between said famous t.v. star's parents. The father, sitting in an uncomfortable wooden chair listening to a radio in a sepia hued 1940s backdrop, while the mother passes behind him & mutters
He turns his head slightly as she walks out of frame. End scene.
Everyone takes in this part of the movie & one of them announces
The girls nod & chuckle in agreement.
Inspired by the remark one asks
"Do you know anyone who has a happy marriage?"
They sit quietly for a moment trying to run through a list of every married couple they'd ever met. Assessing whether or not they were happy.
None of them could reply with anything sturdy aside from a collective
They all shift their eyes & silently agree, accepting marriage as an inevitability because being alone would be far worse.
They all continue watching the screen.
Hoping to God they don't wind up like their parents.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
I really like the word besmirch or besmirched.
I will no longer besmirch those who have wronged me, for i should be following the path of the righteous, not the petty.
Doesn't that sound nice?
mmm, I want hot cocoa.
Friday, January 8, 2010
I push the snooze button at least 5 times a morning
Just beckoning for extra time to rest
To sleep & dream & prolong subconscious thought
I am a coward
Always chasing a chance to avoid, well, everything
I wasn't taught how to manage feelings, money or relationships
sobriety scares me.
(I always want something to blame)
Monday, January 4, 2010
Monday, December 28, 2009
I don't want to be too quick-
Keeping actions dormant
for the perfect moment to speak softly
Though I do admire the brave
the fortune that favors them
I can't muster the courage, regardless
Yet I still shame cowards.
It has something to do with everyone's predilection to masks.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
My mother tells me that optimism will get me killed or raped or at least hospitalized
I need to stay sharp, cautious & keep my eyes peeled
Never trust anyone.
Anyone I don't know.
But she doesn't read statistics
If she did she would know that, 9 times outta 10, people who are out to harm you already know you.
Look it up.
Or just look around.
(Who still listens to their mothers, anyway?)
Monday, December 14, 2009
I feel you're growing arrogant.
Then I can't help but wonder if you just hid it well before,
But if it weren't for you who would remind me of my inadequacies?
Lord knows someone has to.
All that tape keeps you together
Pasting up your thoughts makes them clear
You do keep busy
That you're getting sleep
That I help you in some way or somehow
You text me again, soon.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
"EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, THE SAME ARRANGEMENT: I GO OUT AND FIGHT THE FIGHT. STILL I ALWAYS FEEL THE STRANGEST STRANGEMENT. NOTHING HERE IS REAL, NOTHING HERE IS RIGHT."
Monday, November 2, 2009
- I didn't see one zombie Michael Jackson this Halloween.
Thus, it was a bust.
- Chicago is this weekend, I am excited for my first windy city visit.
- Mama packed me a lunch for work today.
I miss her thoughtful gestures, I miss em' a lot.
(She did my laundry, too)
- I need new contacts/glasses before my eyes suffocate & I go blind.
- Oh & fingers crossed I get a second job at Family Video, Stow branch.
This is no longer a list,
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
No one knows how it will end.
Wolves may lurk in every guise.
-Sweetest tongue has sharpest tooth!
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
The results deemed sub par.
Clinging to this glimmer of hope:
"Maybe I'm wrong, maybe, maybe, maybe..."
Monday, September 14, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Hopeless romantic doesn't even cover it.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Disappointment has yet to rear its ugly head.
But still, there is time.
I just want to be wrong.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Its too bad, now I only spit blood.
So many cravings lately.
I could always succumb to my relentless sweet tooth
but that only leads to cavities.
My mouth is chalk full of them.
I don't have the heart nor the money to fill them with metal,
Rather feel the familiar sting every time I taste something sugar coated,
Monday, July 21, 2008
My sore butt isn't my only badge of courage, either.
It was a struggle, foooooor sure, but I made it.
I'm pretty proud of myself for going the distance. For a minute there afterwards I felt terrible because I made everyone wait around and put a damper on the fun, but Sarah (as well as everyone else) reassured me that everybody has their first bike ride disasters.
Plus, the destination was worth the work.
Frog Hill was fantastic.
Next time I will have had a bike and be prepared/hydrated/nourished for it.
Much love to the Bike Team for not leaving this chubby girl behind.
It really was pretty great.
Shitty ass hills
Watching the train
Scary pass out
Easier ride back
Super Smash 64
Feeling uber accomplished
Now its time to recruit for The PeddlePhiles... so far 6 members strong.