Same as it ever was

I catch myself,
as some often do,
having the predilection for routine.
Thinking that nothing will change
&
being completely horrified when it does.

(Nostalgia is a fickle feeling... you never know when it could be happening)

Critical Acclaim

I don't understand why people ask me for advice when all I can tell them is what they already know.

Sorry.

I'll still hold you when you cry, though.

"My aura is yellow like a coward"

I could smell icing when I was lying in bed

No one was baking

Could be a tumor.

I don't know.

I don't think so.

Probably just a migraine.

Second time this month I drank out of a cup that still had curdled milk in it

I'm no good at sitting down & trying to write things out.

So I put batteries in my tape recorder & when I drive I'll record myself, my thoughts & ideas.

Or any other time that I'm alone, which is a lot.

When I speak out I find I'm less ostentatious & even surprise myself.

I've been having a lot of preoccupations.

Which is bad.

So I needed something to bide my time.

Gotta stop being a thumb twiddler.

Bitter

I had a feeling...

The woodwork could only hold you so long,

before you'd come out.

Stay there;

Where it is warm & cozy.

If I wanted to find you

I would have come looking!

Things that Have Never Happened to Me

If we loved each other

I would lie next to you & ask what happened before I was in your life.

You would smile & say something flattering like,

"I don't remember anything before you."

The next day I would remember this anecdote & report it to all my friends.
They would respond with positive noises & tell me how lucky we are to have each other.

But before that,

You would tell me the story of your life because you trusted me.

Because we shared a strong sense of camaraderie neither one ever knew existed before because it wasn't ever attained in the years prior.

You would spare no detail & confess every humiliating moment you endured that still clings to your psyche like cobwebs.

I would hang on every word.

Reacting appropriately to every important plot point; saying things like,

"Did you really say that?"

"Thats fucked up."

"I know just what you mean!"

Congratulating you on making it this far due to all of your awful circumstances.

I would marvel at the plethora of new information while you cued my story in return.

You would listen intently, returning my enthusiasm & only laughing when you were supposed to.

The conversation would end with laughter through tears.

I'd think to myself how much money I'd saved on the years of therapy this moment quelled.

While wiping our faces with the backs of our hands we'd be beaming; our eyes would meet & we would see the gravity of this rare event.
We'd embrace one another.

It'd feel so powerful to know every meaty-dirty-beautiful-tragic truth about a person.

As we lie together, still,

Naked.
Both figuratively & literally,

the warm feeling of intimacy lulls us into a sturdy, dreamless sleep.

But we aren't in love
& we wake up alone.

Keep it simple, stupid

We sit on opposing sides,

but intertwined,

like the Piscean fish.

You cover your face with your manicured hands

Crying softly

Only letting me hear

small reverbs of your contained confusion

I pet you gently with a furrowed brow

Holding my lips taught over my teeth

Desperately trying not to ask

"What is it that you're so afraid of?"

It doesn't work that way, you can't take it back.

In moments of meditation

that I find throughout the day

I wonder if it was worth it

when Pandora opened the box

You should be ashamed

A lifetime,

vomited up,

partially digested & unlike it was going in.

Forgetting why most of it accumulated,

a vapid puddle at my feet.

How did I let it go this far, get this bad.

It needed purging, like unbaptized babies.

My soul is toting around a corpse, now, more than ever.

Every moment before now is wasted.

Which is fine when you eat your feelings.

(Note: This isn't very cohesive, but I'm in a fuckall mood.)

This is all very inappropriate

My nose is pressed up against a fish bowl
Fingers tapping on the glass

Trying to provoke it

Poking my pinky finger into the bubbling water, waiting for a nibble

Amused when the creature inadvertently stirs

Pulling away to admire my handiwork

Only to be interrupted by a sober
'Don't you have something better to do?'

(No, not really)

Duality

"I saw doves and I thought they were rocks, but they were asleep.

My breath made them stir, and the rocks

took flight, the earth

exploding... and my only thought was that

I wanted you to see them, too."

— Douglas Coupland (Microserfs)

FOUND

[Written, around this time, a year ago.]

To dream.

Of spring.

For that long, heavy rain to wash away ill will & actions that spoke too loud.

Reviving the soil to bud with good intentions.

Insouciance lay dormant under our feet.

Anticipating hibernations end.

Homecomings that wield a sweet breeze of relief.

The cure to cabin fever I've been pining for.

Winters snuffed out.
Our hearts so eager to thaw.
I will shed my coat and scarf & bask in the sun.

The Robins assure me its time.

[Oh how things have changed, but I haven't]

Insidious Intent

You & I

are just trees in a forest

Waiting for a wild fire to set us free

but times are changing

So cross your fingers for kids with gasoline

Weather Patterns

Today

I'm feeling like snow

But I am not the snow, I refuse to be

So cold, harsh & unforgiving

Biting & uncontrollable

Why can't I just feel like a breeze in spring?

Cool & gentle

playing wind chimes & scattering leaves all day

brushing the hair off of weary foreheads

No, I suppose I have to be realistic

Instead I am a hot summer morning

irritable at the start & completely impossible to bear

on the verge of rain but never quite making it there.

Better left unsaid

Today it occured to me that the belly button is the bodies plug
I looked down upon mine & put a corkscrew through it

Opening my body & letting it breathe

I go on to show you, trying to be proud

Ruining the moment with some pithy dialogue

Feigning social conciousness
Staring at you, doe eyed

Baring out my guts

Tormenting myself on whether or not you know I'm trying to impress you

Once in a blue moon

I'm trying to keep the lemon behind my teeth

&

let more honey through

Hoping you'll take it bittersweet

with your tea tomorrow
(you're full of surprises)

Something I learned today

In the event of a car accident

it is better to be hit head on.

Because if you are struck on the side

(The way your heart is strung up inside you)

makes it dangerous for it to be jarred horizontally.

A heart is really just dangling there by veins & arteries

With enough force it can pop off, like ripe fruit from its branches

Then its curtains.

Irreparable Damage

Those narrow beds are being neglected
We are desperately seeking rest
Fever dreams are leaving me with dark circles
While you are waking in pain
I'm posted up to where I'm accustom
&
So have you
We doze off to the sounds of the television
Swallowed by the pillowy couches arch
The company of your grinding teeth
is so very comforting
So I hit snooze

Emotional connections

I found this at Learning To Love You More By Miranda July & Harrell Fletcher I think I'm going to do them all. I came a little late because there won't be any new assignments after this one, but that's ok. (I just really wanted to share hers because it might as well have been mine) Assignment #70 Say goodbye. Kara New York, New York USA Goodbye looking in the mirror and believing that my face is subtly asymmetrical and therefore unlovable. Goodbye yelling at my mom when she calls me and I happen to be having a bad day. Goodbye not thinking I'm good enough to write, sing, or make a movie. ... Goodbye spending time with people who make me feel like I'm dead. Goodbye getting nervous about and obsessing over everyday interactions (like paying for a cup of coffee or standing next to someone in the elevator). Goodbye walking past a restaurant or coffee shop and thinking that I'm not cool enough to go inside. Goodbye believing that I'm never going to love anyone again (or that nobody is going to love me). Goodbye who I thought was my soul mate but didn't write me back. Goodbye my first one-night-stand who didn't write me back. Goodbye thinking I'm a failure for not frequently having sexual intercourse with many good-looking men who adore me. ... Goodbye resenting my mom because the house was always messy when my friends came over. Goodbye not feeling brave enough to talk to someone sitting next to me who looks nice. Goodbye thinking that I am a less cool version of myself (or that there is an ideal me who is cool but I just can't seem to become her). Goodbye acting like I don't like my last name when I really do. Goodbye playing it cool. Goodbye feeling like I should always be doing something other than what I'm doing right now. Goodbye believing that because it's April and I was dating someone last April there is something wrong with me because I'm not with someone now. Goodbye believing that the way you (and you) treated me was okay. ... Goodbye getting scared because I think I see you. ... Goodbye fantasizing about telling you in a sneaky or creepy way that I still love you (because I don't). ... (I inserted the ellipses where it didn't apply to my life.)

Through & across

4 college age girls sit semi circle around a television.
All halfheartedly watching a film about a man who claimed his fame in television before any of them were even born.

Midway through the film there is a scene depicting the relationship between said famous t.v. star's parents. The father, sitting in an uncomfortable wooden chair listening to a radio in a sepia hued 1940s backdrop, while the mother passes behind him & mutters

"We need a new ice box."

He turns his head slightly as she walks out of frame. End scene.
Everyone takes in this part of the movie & one of them announces

"That was depressing."

The girls nod & chuckle in agreement.
Inspired by the remark one asks

"Do you know anyone who has a happy marriage?"

They sit quietly for a moment trying to run through a list of every married couple they'd ever met. Assessing whether or not they were happy.
None of them could reply with anything sturdy aside from a collective

"No."

"Getting married terrifies me!" One exclaims.

They all shift their eyes & silently agree, accepting marriage as an inevitability because being alone would be far worse.

Especially for a woman.
They all continue watching the screen.
Hoping to God they don't wind up like their parents.

When I am alone

Trudging through the crunchy, grimy snow covering the sidewalk
All I want is to measure my gate after so many steps
Assess how crooked I keep my feet
Too bad, the snow is too frozen.
Now I just look forward to taking off this coat
&
petting my cat

Word of the Day

I really like the word besmirch or besmirched.

1. To stain; sully: a reputation that was besmirched by slander.

2. To make dirty; soil.

I will no longer besmirch those who have wronged me, for i should be following the path of the righteous, not the petty.

Doesn't that sound nice?
mmm, I want hot cocoa.

Bad hair day

I push the snooze button at least 5 times a morning
Just beckoning for extra time to rest
To sleep & dream & prolong subconscious thought
I am a coward
Always chasing a chance to avoid, well, everything
because
I wasn't taught how to manage feelings, money or relationships
sobriety scares me.
(I always want something to blame)

Murmur

Talking about contentment
tends to make me worried
Whether or not the future is holding it for me.
Or if I reminisce correctly.
But like I've said before...
I don't think it exists.
No matter what I will pine for more, more, MORE!
Its the American dream I think.